Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
a public service announcement
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.