“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
good work, detective
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground