Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.