Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Every. Damn. Time.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…