it’s the silliest best thing
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[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?