If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
There are no pants in heaven.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong