[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
You Might Also Like
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get