*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I think this should do it.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Welcome
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?