*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
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That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
The game has officially changed 😎
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Velcrow
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”