Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey