“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
😎 🍻
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
drew a comic about my origin story
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..