Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
No, he would not have.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.