Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Yup….perfect score!
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please