i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
HERE’S MARKY
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?