[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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This headline is a thing of beauty
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Practicing safe sax
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?