I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Damn he played himself
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES