M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.