Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
me as a parent
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”