Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
You Might Also Like
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
fr
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.