How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.