If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.