All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”