I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.