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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
also my go-to takeaway order
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”