*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
The glockness monster
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell