*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.