How long do you have to wait between naps?
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.