My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
You Might Also Like
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Note to self: always read the final line
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?