*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.