I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD