Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Lmfao
*pokes sex life with a stick
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
i’ve found my new favorite subculture