I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My blood type is b hungry.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry