Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
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made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”