Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”