Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
how high up are we talkin’?
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing