Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
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I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.