*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
You Might Also Like
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”