anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
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Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
smartest karate player in the world
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up