They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
How to find Kentucky on a map
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.