The internet is magic sometimes.
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.