Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds