Saturday
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Oh, I bet you would be
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe