Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
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If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning