Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
This is why I hate group projects
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.