Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
water it, i dare you
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor