me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.