Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”