Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
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What if all the cashiers are married?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun