INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.