I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol